First Day of Spring

I love spring.  I am not usually bothered by allergies, so spring is probably my favorite season (with Fall following closely behind.)  As I look outside my window, I see the wind blow and the green cloud of pollen go by the window.  We used to have a light blue van, now we have a neon green van.  haha!  For those of you out there who suffer from spring allergies, I am so sorry.  It has to be really bad for you right now.

Since it is the first day of spring, Rita's Italian Ice had a special today.  You could go in and get a regular size Italian Ice for free!!!  I was so excited because they have really good Italian Ice.  A friend of mine came up from Wake Forest to go with me.  We went up to the nearest one and unfortunately, that particular Rita's has closed down...never to be open again.  Sad Day!  The next closest one was around 15 minutes away, so we decided on getting a milkshake from Chick-fil-a instead, which was super yummy.  Maybe I can talk Eric into taking me to the other Rita's tonight!!!  I am sad that our Rita's has closed but that's ok. 

Earlier today, I decided it would be fun to listen to Penelope's heartbeat.  I have a heartbeat doppler thing that a friend let me borrow to use to listen to her heartbeat.  I am very specific as to when I use it.  I didn't use it until Penelope was big enough for me to feel her moving all the time in case I wasn't able to find the heart beat, I would know she was ok by her movement.  It is super fun and sweet to hear her little heartbeat.  Today, she must not have wanted me to listen because I would get it and then she would move, or kick the doppler wand, etc.  It was entertaining.  Maybe she was trying to sleep.  Here is a picture of Penelope and me at 29 (almost 30) weeks:

For a little comparison, here is a picture of when I was pregnant with Savannah at 29 weeks.

  

Penelope has the hiccups often.  (She even has them right now as I type this blog post.)  I love how God designed pregnancy.  The fact that you can feel the baby moving around, feel hiccups, listen to the heartbeat, etc just gives you a closeness to your baby before they are even born.  

Please continue to pray for Penelope that she will continue to be healthy and that our hearts will not be anxious.  I find myself being anxious sometimes.  I love Penelope so much, and I want to watch her grow up.  My hope cannot be in that.  My hope is in the Lord who is sovereign and a loving God.  I have to trust the Lord and His plans.  A verse or verses that encouraged me so much after Savannah died and has encouraged me with my pregnancy with Penelope is this:

Psalm 139:13-16

For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them.

What a comfort to read and think about when I think about Savannah's life.  God made her perfect!  He made her exactly how He wanted her to be.  He knew every single day of her life and how many of them were to be.  He knows the same for Penelope.  My prayer is that I see her grow up, get married, have kids, etc.  I know that God is forming her inside my womb and knows all her days already.  God will give me grace for the days ahead.  When she is up all night crying, God will give me grace.  When she has her first fever, God will give me grace then too.  The good thing is, He will give me grace when I need it.  I don't have to store it up today for another day that I might need it.  He is here with me now and will be with me then.

Last thing before I go.  Here are a few pictures of Savvy G.  I miss her so much.  I love to look at pictures of her!!!  Hope you enjoy.

 A good picture of her chubby cheeks, a.k.a fat jaws.

 This picture is a little blurry.  They toy on the table was her favorite toy.  It is part of the Fisher Price Little People series.  She loved holding the figurines.  Even when we were at her best friend's house, she would dig through the toy box and find the little people figurines. 

 Anytime there was a chair open, she was in it.  Anytime I see an open "kid" chair, I think of Savannah.

 Her hair was finally long enough to put in a pony tail.  So cute!!!

At the beach a few weeks before she went to be with Jesus.  She loved the beach.  She was just learning how to walk.  She would walk on the beach and laugh so hard.  She also liked playing with her toys in the sand. 

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope."  Romans 15:13

North Carolina=Spring all winter long!!!

I have to say that I have enjoyed this mild winter.  70 degrees one day, snowing the next, then 70 degrees after that to melt away the snow.  That is my kind of winter.  Eric would disagree with me.  He likes cold weather and sweaters and using the fireplace.   I have loved this week!  It has been so warm.  I kinda wish our neighborhood pool was open this week.  I am sure that it would have been filled with neighbors enjoying the water.

The warm weather does make me miss my sweet little Savannah so much.  On these days, I want to take her on a wagon ride to the park, play in the front yard, etc.  As much as I miss her, I know she is doing well and better than any of us because she is in Heaven and with Jesus.  To ask for her back would be selfish of me.  I look forward to taking Penelope to the park, swimming, on wagon rides, etc, and telling her all about how her big sister loved those things.  Here are a few pictures.  These are from March 2011.

A quick update on Penelope:  I am now 29 weeks pregnant.  We are getting so close.  Thinking about her being here is kinda surreal.  I can't wait though.  I am so thankful for her movements that I feel (even the ones that wake me up in the middle of the night), and her hiccups.  She weighs around 2.5 pounds.  I love when she has the hiccups.  I am so thankful to the Lord for Him blessing us with this sweet little girl.  Here are a few pics of our sweet Penelope:

I wanted to share a scripture that some of you are familiar with.  A dear friend of mine brought up this scripture this week and it has been so very helpful.  Please take the time to read it. 

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God.  For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now.  And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.  For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees?  But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.  And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, becausethe Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.  For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.  And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified."  Romans 8:18-30

Before I go, I want to ask for your prayers for dear friends of ours that are going through a trial.  I won't go into details, but God knows and please lift them up in your daily prayers. 

Hiccups and Hidden Doggie Bones

Tomorrow marks the start of my third trimester.  I can't believe it is already here.  I feel like I just posted that my 2nd trimester was starting.  So, here we are...the final stretch of the pregnancy.  I am so thankful that God has blessed me with a healthy pregnancy so far.  I have minor things that need extra attention but can be fixed with Prilosec or vitamin supplements.  Penelope is moving all over the place.  I can see her little feet (or whatever body part it is) sticking out sometimes.  It feels kinda weird but I love it.  I think she will be small like Savannah.  My stomach is measuring a little small (only by an inch) but bigger than it did with Savvy G, so Penelope might be a little bit bigger.  Starting last week, I could feel Penelope's hiccups.  They are so sweet and she usually gets them atleast once a day, if not more.  I am getting more and more excited about meeting her.  I long to hold her in my arms and play with her, make her laugh, feed her, etc. 

I have been going through and organizing Savannah's old things the last few weeks.  It actually hasn't been too hard.  I think all because I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that Savannah is no longer here with us.  Plus, when I have a task ahead of me to focus on, it keeps me busy and doesn't allow me to focus on the fact that Savannah is gone.  I brought down all of Savannah's clothes so I could go through them and organize them for Penelope.  Wow!  I didn't realize how many clothes she had.  Once you lay them out, it is crazy.  For the most part, all of those clothes were given to us.  We have been so blessed by others.  I organized most of the clothes but still have some more to go through.  (One day the bedroom will recover from my decluttering and organizing.)  You forget how small they are when they are first born.  Savannah wore preemie clothes (even though she was born on her due date) for the first few weeks.  I pulled those out and couldn't believe how small they are.  I pulled out some of my favorite clothes of Savannah's (and ones we remember her wearing most) and gave them to a friend who is going to make a quilt out of her clothes for us.  I can't wait to see it!  I felt kinda bad for my friend who is making it because there wasn't one particular color or theme.  I brought over clothes that are red, blue, green, brown, have Elmo, Clemon Tiger logo, and many other random things...but my friend is very talented and I know she will do a fabulous job!  I am so thankful she is doing this for me.  (I wouldn't even know where to begin.)

One final (random) thing before I go.  In the mornings, I take Aspen (our puppy) out to the bathroom and I give her a doggie treat.  Sometimes she isn't in the mood to eat her doggie treat right away so she looks for a place to hide it (usually under the curtain or behind the tv table).  On Wednesday, I was doing my usually chore of stuffing the couch cushions back into the couch and this is what I found.

She hid her doggie bone in the corner of the couch.  She really didn't hide it well but that is ok.  I have tried to get a video of her hiding her bone but haven't been able to yet.

Savannah's Grave

Yesterday I received a call letting me know that Savannah's grave marker is now in place and good to go.  Since it is in SC, I might not be able to get down there to see it in person for a while but we have many family members down there who will/have been able to go see it.  They sent a picture of it.  I was very happy with how it turned out.

 

It definitely does not feel real looking at it but I think that is God's grace to me.  Feeling the hurt a little at a time.  We chose to have a duck in the middle because Savannah loved ducks.  She pretty much called everything a duck.  

A Weekend With the Girls!!!

This past weekend my college girls came up to hang out for the weekend.  We try to get together atleast 2 times a year.  It was so much fun.  We cooked, ate, talked, and enjoyed each other!!!  We packed 8 girls plus 2 babies in my house.  It was a full house but I loved it!  My house kinda feels empty today now that everyone has gone home.  Here are a few pictures:

Part of the weekend was a baby shower for Penelope Sinclair and Selah Sharpe.  Jamie is due March 28th and I am due June 1st.  The shower was such a blessing.  Getting baby stuff made me really miss Savannah.  I bet she would have loved to help me pull the tissue paper out of the presents or ripped open the wrapping paper.  Penelope has lots of new things to make her smell good, to dry her off with, to play with, eat, etc.  She is spoiled already!  Here are a few pictures:

It was so great to see all my girls.  I wish we all lived closer but I am so thankful for the times we are able to get together.  We have all known each other for almost 10 years now.  That is so crazy.  It is so great to see how the Lord has directed our steps since we all met 10 years ago. 

I did face the big, scary, mean crib monster.  It was crazy being in Savannah's room.  I have not been in there for a long time.  (I think since August.)  It made me really sad to be in there but I wasn't scared (which really surprised me).  It wasn't bad memories from July 24th that was in my head but good memories of times we had together.  Her little shoes that were sitting in front her her rocking chair brought tears to my eyes but that is ok.  I am ok with that.  It was good to be in there and get used to seeing that stuff again because I want to use it with Penelope.    It was good to see my friends in her room talking and laughing.  My roommate from college had her daughter sleep in Savannah's crib which was helpful for me.  I found Savannah's favorite toy in her room.  It is a gray rabbit.  She used to carry it around and occasionally she would kiss it.  It actually still has sweet potato stains on it from where she would kiss it in between bites of sweet potatoes.  I'm pretty sure she called it a duck.  I'm not sure what I am going to do with it.  I thought about using it next time we have family pictures as something to represent Savvy.  Maybe have Penelope walk around holding it for the pictures.  I'm not sure. 

Thanks so much for your prayers over the last (almost) 7 months.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers. 

Respite Retreat

Eric and I just returned from a weekend in Henrietta, Tennessee.  We went to a retreat called "The Respite Retreat" by David and Nancy Guthrie.  What a blessing it was!!!  It is a retreat for couples who have lost a child.  There is a big cabin in Henrietta called the Hiding Place.  It sleeps 12 couples.  I love that the retreat was on the small side.  I think I would have been overwhelmed if it was a large conference.  Here are a couple of pictures of the cabin.

On Friday night and Saturday morning, they gave everyone a chance to tell their story.  That was really hard but good.  I felt like Eric and I were able to talk freely and openly about what happened without worrying about making people feel uncomfortable or awkward.  We didn't have to explain ourselves (why we felt certain things) b/c everybody in the room knew what we meant b/c they had experienced a similar thing.

Saturday afternoon, we talked about issues that grieving parents have to deal with.  One of mine and Eric's concerns was how do we raise another child without being fearful all the time.  It was encouraging to hear from other families who have other children.  Some things that people encouraged us with are that fear is not from God!  That we need to hold our thoughts captive and God is our protector.  Also, to fight the fear with scripture.  Don't just listen to our anxious thoughts, but fight it with scripture...and that fears are normal, but don't give in to them.  I am definitely going to be praying that God will show me scriptures that are good for fighting fear.  (I would love for your prayers for that too!)

We also asked about what to do with Savannah's stuff.  I have pretty much decided I will use clothes, toys, etc again.  My biggest thing was what to do with the crib. The crib is kinda like a big, fat, ugly monster (in my mind.)  I know that sounds crazy, but that is what it is like to me.  I was encouraged to beat down that fear.  To remember all the mornings where I was able to get Savannah up.  To take it a few days at a time.  So, with fist pounding into hand, it is you and me crib (monster), and I will not be afraid of you!!!  (Ok, that was weird, but you know what I mean).  Please pray that God will help us in that situation.

One thing that really stands out that I learned this weekend comes from Rev. 1:28.  "I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades."  This passage takes care of all the "What If's".  I have been holding on to the sovereignty of God through this situation.  It was a good reminder because the What If's do show up in my mind.  What if I did this, what if we would have done that, etc.  Jesus holds the keys to death.  He is the only one who can open that door.  He is there on the other side.  God had Savannah's days numbered and he was the one who opened the doors of death and welcomed her into Heaven. 



Saturday night was a fun night.  We played the "newlywed game" and just had time to hang out and have fun.  It was great talking to everybody!


Sunday morning we had our own church.  We sang hymns and the Guthrie's walked us through scripture that has been encouraging to them since they lost their little boy and little girl.  


I am so glad we were able to go and I look forward to keeping up with the friends we made there.  If you know anyone who has lost a child, I highly recommend this retreat!


Here are a few more picture from our weekend!

 The Guthrie's took pictures of our children and put them around the living room.  While we were sharing our stories, they passed around the picture of the child.  Here is the picture of Savannah.

 Just some table decorations.  They were absolutely beautiful.

This is us with David and Nancy.  They lost two children around 10 years ago.  They were the ones that led the retreat.  They definitely are gifted and we were blessed by the retreat!

Baby Penelope at 23 Weeks

It's hard to believe I am already 23 weeks preggo.  I had an appt. on Monday and everything looks great!  She is growing like she should and her heart beat sounds great!  She is definitely getting stronger.  I woke up this morning to a kick in my left ribs but what a great way to wake up!!!  I usually smile every time she starts moving!  I can't wait to meet her!  I love her so much already!

Right now she weighs a little over a pound (about the size of a large mango!  haha!)  She can feel me moving around and she can hear sounds outside of the womb.  For example: the vacuum cleaner and Aspen.  Since she is able to hear Aspen bark while inside the womb, it shouldn't scare her after she is born.

The first picture is Penelope at 23 weeks!  She is growing!!!

 This is a picture of Aspen and me.  It is hard to get her to sit still long enough for a picture, so I have to hold on tight!

 This is a random picture of Savannah and me that I found while adding the first two pictures.  I am not sure how old she is here.

Hope you all have a great day!!!

Ash