Sorrow Turned to Joy

Today marks the first day of my 2nd trimester.  In 6 months, Lord willing, our little baby will be here for us to hold in our arms.  I'm so excited.  Some days I find myself not able to wait.  With the excitement of the baby coming in 6 months, brings fears as well.  We worry that we will loose another child, that something will be wrong and we won't know it.  This week has been especially hard for Eric and me as far as missing Savannah.  A dear friend of mine sent me some encouragement yesterday that I want to share with you.  It comes from a book called "Cheque Book of the Bank of Faith" (daily readings by C.H. Spurgeon).

"Your sorrow shall be turned into joy."  (John 16:20)

Their particular sorrow was the death and absence of their Lord, and it was turned into joy when he rose from the dead and showed himself in the midst.  All the sorrows of saints shall be thus transmuted; even the worst of them, which look as if they must for ever remain fountains of bitterness.
 Then the more sorrow the more joy.  If we have loads of sorrow, then the Lord's power will turn them into tons of joy.  Then the bitterer the trouble the sweeter the pleasure: the swinging of the pendulum far to the left will cause it to go all the farther to the right.  The remembrance of the grief shall heighten the flavour of the delight: we shall set the one in contrast with the other, and the brilliance of the diamond shall be more clearly seen because of the black foil behind it.

Come, my heart, cheer up!  In a little while I shall be as glad as I am now gloomy.  Jesus tells me that by a heavenly alchemy my sorry shall be turned into joy.  I do not see how it is to be, but I believe it, and I  begin to sing by way of anticipation.  This depression of spirit is not for long, I shall soon be up among the happy ones who praise the Lord day and night, and there I shall sing of the mercy which delivered me out of great afflictions.

Reading this yesterday was so helpful.  Sorrow will get easier as time goes on but I have the joys of Heaven to look forward to.  One day I will get to be with Jesus where there is no more hurt, sorrow, or bad things.  Plus, I will get to see my sweet Savannah again.  My sister and I have talked a few times about how this is not our home and how we long for Heaven so much sometimes.  It reminds us of how there are many people around us who don't have a relationship with Jesus which means separation from God for eternity.  There is such an urgency to spread the news about the love of Christ.  It's not just praying a prayer, or sitting in church, but a relationship with Christ.  Think about it.  Your relationship with your husband or best friend.  If you never talked to them or didn't trust them, it wouldn't be much of a relationship.  I have been burdened lately for all those people around me who don't know the Lord, some who say they don't and some who say they do but show no fruit.    We are not promised our next breath and Jesus is coming back soon.  There's no time to wait around because we are scared people will think we are weird or that we might create an awkward moment.  I hope this all makes sense.  I just felt like I should share this.

Thanksgiving was good this year.  Eric and I were able to spend time with both sides of the family.  I was sad that Savvy was not there.  I do know that if there is food in Heaven, I'm sure Savannah had sweet potatoes and turkey for Thanksgiving.  That was her favorite food.  I was also thinking about next Thanksgiving when we will have sugars #2 with us (Lord willing of course).  I can't wait to play with the baby, hold it, sing to it.  I will have to pick out a new song for this baby to sing to it every night.  I always sang "All I have is Christ" to Savannah.  I will get to tell the baby all about Savannah and how great she was.  I think I will always celebrate Savannah's birthday with our kids.  Probably with monkey cupcakes since that is what she had at her first birthday party (monkey themed.)  I'm so thankful that the Lord blessed us with a new little baby right away.  I love being a mommy and I look forward to having a house full of children. 

Here are a few pictures from our Thanksgiving trip to SC:

 Daddy relaxing after a big Thanksgiving meal.

 Jeremy, my brother-in-law, hanging out with the boys.

 I had a picture taken of me and Aspen.  She mostly stayed in the kitchen hoping a piece of turkey would fall to the ground.

 My sister, grandma, and mama.

 A little game of Mall Madness with my sister...

 and dream phone!!!

 The Sinclair clan (the pics a little bright.)

Eric and me!!!

I hope you all enjoyed your Thanksgiving and I hope you have a Merry Christmas!!!

November Fun

I can't believe it is already November...Thanksgiving is almost here.  I love Thanksgiving.  It has been a fun and busy month so far.  We had another appointment at the OB where we had an ultrasound. Everything went really well and the baby looks good.   I was 11 weeks when I had the ultrasound but the baby measured 11 weeks, 3 days.  There is a big baby in there.  I think it is a boy.  Savannah always measured so small, so the fact that this baby is measuring big makes me think it is a boy.  My doctor said he would do an ultrasound to find out the gender of the baby on December 23rd!  I am so excited.  I will only be 17 weeks, 0 days but he said they will probably be able to tell.  I am so glad we will know before Christmas.  We didn't think we would know until January.  Anyways, back to the ultrasound.  We were looking at the baby, and it was apparent that the baby was sleeping.  The baby's head was facing down (on the screen.)  Here is a picture of that.

The baby was moving a little but nothing to write home about.  So, my doctor poked my stomach a few times and the baby started moving all over.  It looked like it was a little annoyed that we woke it up.  It stretched out it's legs and turned it's back to us.  (If you know our dog Aspen, you know that she does the same thing when someone wakes her up when she is trying to sleep.  She usually lets out a loud groan while stretching out her arms and legs...usually to let you know you are being too loud.)  I'm pretty sure if we could hear inside the womb, we would have heard a loud groan saying please let me go back to sleep.  haha!  Here is a picture of the baby's legs stretched out.

At the beginning of November, we went down to Black Rock Mountain, GA for a reunion with my college girls.  (We invited the husbands this time.)  We rented two cottages for the weekend on top of the mountain.  The drive up was full of hairpin turns.  We were driving up it in the dark and I was so scared.  I kept telling Eric he was driving too fast around the curves but I realized that he was only driving 15 mph.  haha!  While there, we played games, ate, hiked, had Thanksgiving dinner, talked, prayed, and just had a good time.  We try to get together atleast once a year.  We usually are able to get together more because of weddings and babies.  I love these girls so much (and their families).  Here are a few pictures from our trip.

 We have also been busy getting ready for the holiday season.  I started working on Christmas decorations (sometimes I feel a little crafty) this week.  I turned our refrigerator into a snowman.  I have a few other Christmas crafts in mind, so hopefully they will turn out well.  (I am not very good at crafts and I am ok with that.)  I think the holidays will be hard this year with out our little Savvy G but she is in Heaven now, so we can be joyful even though we are sad and miss her.  There was a lady talking about a miscarriage she had 10 years ago.  She was telling us how her oldest son found out that she lost a baby and he told his mom, "I wish there were seven of us."  (There's only 6 b/c the miscarried baby is in Heaven.)  It was kinda cool to think about how the boy missed his brother or sister even though he had never even met her.  It was not the point the lady was making with her story, but that is one thing that stuck out to me.  I wonder if our future children will miss Savannah too even though they didn't get to meet her.

One more really fun thing I did was attend a sleepover with my friends I used to work with at Chatham Middle School.  We really wanted to play games like Dream Phone and Mall Madness, but none of us had those games with us.  We ended up playing an Office trivia game and watching movies.  It was super fun.  We will have to save our fun early '90s games for another time.  I think I might have Pretty Pretty Princess as well. 

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!

Cold Weather and Pumpkins

I know a lot of people in North Carolina like cold weather.  I am not one of those people.  I would be really happy if it stayed around 70 or higher with an occasional snow every now and then.  We used our fireplace for the first time (since it has been cold) and it was really nice but I still prefer warm weather.  Aspen does too.  If it gets too cold in the house, she will not move.  One night, two or three winters ago, we woke up in the middle of the night b/c it was super cold.  Eric got up to turn the heat up and I tried to interact with Aspen, and she wouldn't move.  We thought something was wrong with her...nope, she was just cold.  Now she has a sweater and a coat, so she is ready for the cold weather.  You can (sorta) see her coat here.  All the dogs received matching coats for Christmas last year.

As I have mentioned in previous blogs (I think :)), Eric and I really want to have lots of kids.  God chose to bless us right away with another little sugars (as in one baby)...so Savannah is a big sister.  We are almost 10 weeks now.  We were going to wait until 12 weeks to tell but for one thing it was super hard to wait. Also, even if we miscarry, this baby is still a person and we want people to know about it.  I had my first appointment on Friday at Atrium OB-GYN.  (I love that place.)  We went there when I was pregnant with Savannah.  It was nice to be around familiar people.  The nurse that took me back to the ultrasound room remembered me from before and gave me a big hug.  The baby looks good so far.  I was able to see it's little arms move around a little bit.  Here are a few pictures of the new baby:

This is a picture of the baby at 9 weeks.  The big part is the head (it is part Cunningham) and you can see the arms and legs a little bit.

This is at 6 weeks.  It kinda looks like a cocoon.  We did get to see the heartbeat!

The hardest part of the appointment was the family history part.  I had to go over the fact that Savannah was not with us anymore and all that happened with her...but the Lord blessed me so much.  The nurse that was going over this with me is a Christian.  She was encouraging me about how we might not always understand God's plan and so on.  I was so thankful for having her.  It made a tough situation easier.

One more thing I want to share.  Last Halloween I started a tradition.  (I got the idea from my friend who does this with her kids.)  Whatever my kid/kids dress up as for Halloween, I paint a pumpkin with that Character on it.  Last year Savannah was a ladybug, so my friend painted her this pumpkin:

This year, before we lost Savannah, we had already decided she was going to be a ballerina.  So I painted her a pumpkin (as I will every year) with a ballerina on it.  Also, I went ahead and painted a pumpkin for the new baby too.  Here are the pics:

That's all for now.  Thanks for all your prayers and love.  We really appreciate them all.

Ash

God is Sovereign

James 4:13-16

“Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow.  For what is your life?  It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.  Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.”  But now you boast in your arrogance.  All such boasting is evil.”

I learned a lot about this passage last night at the Bible study that I attend on Monday nights.  It was such a comfort to me and was exactly what I needed to hear.  Last night, about thirty minutes before I was supposed to leave for Bible study, I was outside with my dog, Aspen.  I knew my friend would be arriving in a little while, so I was getting Aspen outside for a few minutes.  When I am walking her, it is always a good time to think.  Sometimes my thoughts are all over the place, but last night I was thinking about Savannah and all Eric and I have been through over the last three months.  From the day we lost her, I could physically feel the peace of God.  I knew and trusted God that this was His will and timing even though it didn’t make sense to me.  I knew no one (doctors, emergency crew) could save her because God had ordained that it was time for her to be with Jesus.  I held on to that truth and never wavered.  Even when the autopsy report came back, the doctors and medical examiner said there was nothing that could be done.  (But even if they had not said that, I still would have known it was God’s will and timing, which is a God work!)  Sometimes when I am thinking or talking to friends/family, I start to wonder, what if I would have done this or what if it would have happened during the day, maybe we could have seen symptoms or this or that.  I was thinking those things last night as I was outside with Aspen.  I was really sad and crying and considering not going to Bible study but I knew my friend was on her way, so I decided to go despite the way I felt.  I am so glad that I did.  This part of the scripture was a small part of what we talked about, but it spoke to me and encouraged me so much.  “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.” (v. 15)  It was good to  be reminded of that…to know that God willed for Savannah to live for 15 months and 1 day.  There was nothing that could be done to save her.  It was God’s will and timing and I trust that even though this is an extremely hard time.  I don’t even know or can't even fathom how someone could get through this without God.  I am so thankful for the Lord’s presence in my life.  I am so glad and comforted that God is sovereign over when we live and when we die.  He is sovereign over our molecules.  Praise the Lord!  What a breath of fresh air!  I hope all that rambling made sense and was a little encouraging to you!

So, what have we been up to?  Lots of different things.  We have been able to visit family.  I’ve been watching my friend’s little girl, which I have enjoyed so much.   We are planning on going to the fair one day this week.  Just give me a funnel cake with some powdered sugar on top, and I am happy!!!   We have been organizing the house and updating it (painting, etc.)  Maybe one day we will have the guest bathroom downstairs finished.  It is well on its way to being finished.  I started teaching violin and cello lessons again a few weeks ago, which is something I really enjoy.  We are trying to get back in the swing of things.  Sometimes it is easy, and sometimes it is hard.  We are just leaning on God and continually trusting in Him and His goodness.  We miss Savannah so much.  I feel like I miss her more and more and time goes on but I know that she is with Jesus now.  As much as I want her back, it would be selfish of me to think that because why would I want to take her away from the joys of Heaven?  Eric and I will join her one day in Heaven but as for now, we will remember the fun times we had with her and remember that we will see her again one day.  I want to end by leaving you with a list of her favorite words:

Duck (her favorite!)

Ball

Bubbles (she would go get the bubbles and bring them to me and start blowing)

Dah

No (while shaking her head.  I have to admit, it did make me laugh.)

Mama

Dada

Pees (Please…usually only said when there were yogurt melts around)

Riding Out the Storm

So, this week has been one of the most difficult so far.  Lots of tears but good times too.  I think for this post, I am going to write about some of the funny/crazy things that happened this week to take a break from some of the harder things.

It is crazy that we had an earthquake and a hurricane in the same week in Raleigh, NC.  That doesn't happen.  Thankfully, both of them were just enough to be felt but not bad.  With the earthquake, at first I thought it was the washing machine, but my friend noticed that the whole house was shaking leading us to turn on the news and see that we had an earthquake.  Crazy!  The hurricane brought some crazy winds and periods of heavy rain but it wasn't too scary...well, our puppy Aspen thought it was really scary.  It took everything within me to get her to go outside long enough to go potty.  She was too scared to go outside by herself, so I had to get an umbrella, brave the high winds, and walk around with her.  Yesterday afternoon, after we had been outside for her to go potty, I looked down at her and she was shaking all over.  Absolutely terrified.  She did have a rough night on Friday night though.  Maybe that had something to do with it.  She was outside playing (on Friday night) before the clouds starting rolling in from the hurricane.  All of a sudden, it started pouring down rain, and sure enough, Aspen was out in the middle of it...and she was soaking wet.  We knew we would have to give her a bath before we let her in the house and we knew we couldn't leave her outside b/c we didn't know how bad the storm would become over the night.  So, in the garage, we filled a plastic swimming pool full of water and for some reason, thought this would be a good idea.  We didn't have her doggie shampoo with us, so we had to use our body wash.  We lathered her up really well and were getting ready to rinse her off when she slipped out of her collar and ran out in the front yard.  She thought it would be good to roll in the dirt and somehow she managed to run while having her face on the ground.  (I guess she was trying to get all the soap and water off her face.)  Bless her heart, we had to start the bathing process over again.  After we washed her the second time, she ran to the door and just sat there shaking, terrified.  Anyway, she is now clean...except today, after church, I was outside playing with her and noticed that she had grass stains on her face.  Oh well, I guess grass stains are ok. She is such a sweet dog with a lot of personality.

I know this post didn't have a lot of discussion about how we are doing but I can leave a few things to pray for.  We still have a long road of grief ahead of us, so pray that we will continue to trust God and be open and honest with each other in how we are doing.  We are thankful for the peace of God that has been there all along.  My daddy always reminds me that when I am feeling overwhelmed to remember that I don't have to do everything today.  I just have to do the things of today and not worry about how I will feel tomorrow or in the future (like Christmas, etc.).  Those words have been very helpful right now.  We are so thankful for all the love of family and friends.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  We definitely need it now. 

A New Post

It has been almost a month since we lost our sweet girl.  I miss her (it feels like) more and more everyday.  It hurts a lot but I can smile in the fact that she is in Heaven and has more joy than anyone here on Earth can imagine.  We have had some closure this week because we found out what happened.  It is something that I don't want to share on here but I can tell you that it was something that we could not control and something we could not have stopped.  It was something that was extremely rare (one doctor told us they had never seen that happen before) and it is not hereditary  (praise the Lord!)  Even though I know that God ordains the number of our days, it was very helpful and gave me peace that we didn't do anything wrong and there was not anything that we could do to stop it.  That is all I am going to say about that.

One of my friends came up to me on Sunday and (I was very thankful for her honesty) said that she didn't know what to say to me.  I totally understood that and I was so glad she said that.  I told her and I want to tell you that when talking to me you don't have to have something profound to say.  Sometimes I may feel like talking about it but sometimes I may feel like talking about normal stuff or be in the mood to hear a joke or watch a funny movie.  So, don't feel that you have to come up to me and say something super whatever but you can talk to me about normal stuff too.  (If that makes sense.) 

I also wanted to say thank you to everyone for being so loving and caring.  Even with it being a month since we lost our girl, the love and care and cards, meals, etc have not stopped.  We feel so loved and could not ask for better friends, family, church, etc. 

Things have been especially hard being back here in Raleigh trying to get into the "normal" swing of things.  It is really hard when I see other kids playing together, especially when I see other kids playing with Savannah's closest friends.  It is hard and I usually cry but that is ok.  It is part of the process.  Even Aspen (our puppy) knows that Savannah is not here anymore.  She loved Savvy G and she did whatever it took to protect Savannah.  My mom and mother-in-law said Aspen was in Savannah's room and sniff everything in the room, then looked in Savannah's crib and whimpered.  It makes me happy that Aspen remembers Savannah.  It makes me happy when other kids ask me where baby Savannah is.  It is hard, (and I usually cry) but it makes me happy that other kids remember her.

We do want to have more kids and soon through pregnancy and adoption.  With that comes a lot of fears but God will give us grace at the exact time that we need it.  Yes, it is easier to say than believe but I can look back over my life and the last month and see that lived out.

Please continue praying for us.  We are experiencing some of the hardest days right now but we are so thankful for your love and prayers.  This was a long post and I didn't go back to change grammatical errors (mostly b/c I am a musician and not an English language person.)  Anyways, we love you and look forward to talking to you soon!

A few pictures from Washington

I tried to add pictures of our trip to Maryland to my last post but the internet was running slow and wouldn't let me post them.  Hannah actually took these pictures.  I hope you enjoy!

 Look at this good looking group of people.  I really enjoyed getting to know those six people.  They are super fun.

Hannah, Claire, and me standing in front of the White House!!!

 A tense game of Settlers.  Haha, not really!  Becca won!  Great job Becca!  I was so tired and doing so poorly this game that I was willing to trade anything at the end of the game.

All I Have Is Christ

It has been quite a few days since I have posted a note.  I was out of town at a music conference with my church's music team (Worship God Conference).  We went to Maryland from Wednesday until Saturday.  It was a great conference.  I learned a lot.  I laughed a lot, cried some, but overall enjoyed it and am so glad I went.  One of the songs we sang was All I Have Is Christ.  That is pretty much my favorite song.  I sang it to Savannah almost every night.  At the conference, there was one part of the song that really stuck out to me.  The part that says "Oh Father use my ransom life in any way you choose, and let my song forever be my only hope is you."  I used to think about that verse as being a little afraid to sing it because if I sang it and meant it, God might move me somewhere far away from home like Montana or Africa.  I realized it means so much more than that.  I mean, that is part of it, but being willing to give your life completely over to God to use you and your situations in any way possible for His glory.  (I'm not sure if that makes sense or not.)  Part of me was not ready to sing that part yet.  It is hard but I will be praying that God will change that in my heart.

On Thursday morning (of the retreat) I was having a hard morning.  There were a few thousand people at the conference...I think, I am bad at judging crowd sizes.  Since it was a music conference, most everyone can sing really really well!  I was joking with one girl that there was a 10 part harmony going on even though that is not even possible.  haha!  Anyways, just looking out at the crowd (we were in the balcony) hearing the beautiful music and seeing everyone praising the Lord made me think about Savannah in Heaven praising God and how much more she is seeing and experiencing than I can even fathom.  I cried out of joy for her but also out of sadness because I miss her so much.  I had two of my girlfriends at the conference with me just sit there with me and cry and that was the best thing they could have done at that moment.

On Saturday, after the conference ended, we stopped by Washington, D.C. on the way home.  Because of some bad directions, we spent 2 hours on the metro trying to find a particular restaurant.  It was good that it happened that way because it made for a funny story and good bonding time.  We didn't have much time in DC so we walked by the White House and saw it and we went to the Smithsonian Museum of American History.  I was able to see the music room.  It was closed last time I was in Washington for remodeling.  The instruments were absolutely beautiful!  Next, we saw the First Lady's room.  I had so much fun in there.  They actually already had Michelle's inaugural ball gown in there.  It was so beautiful!  That is about all we had time for.  I wanted to see Julia Child's kitchen, but I kinda forgot about it since we were in a hurry.  

Well, that is all for now folks.  I will try to post more frequently than I did this week.  Truths that I am holding on to right now are that God is sovereign, He works all things for our good even though we may not understand His plan.  I have seen God move in big ways among my family and friends.  I am thankful for that but in my selfishness would take it all back to have Savannah back but I know that this is God's plan and I am trusting Him through it even though it is hard.  Oh yeah, if you don't know the song "All I Have Is Christ", I encourage you to go to Youtube or grooveshark and listen to it.  It is very encouraging. 

Day by Day

As you know, Eric and I (plus our family and friends) have experienced the hardest thing we have every experienced.  We are so thankful for our family, friends, church, neighborhood, neighbors, (most people fit into more than one of those categories) but mostly for God's grace that has been poured out on us.  We have received so much love during this time.  We had people clean our house, provide (and still providing) meals, encouragement, prayer, the funeral cost were completely covered, cards, financial support, flowers, yard work completed, and so, so much more.  I can't even list everything that has been done for us.  We feel so loved.  I am sure that there were tons going on to help that we didn't even know about.  Our church family has been so amazing and helpful.  They have loved and provided for Eric and me, plus my family, so much.  We are so blessed to have such a wonderful church.  If you don't have a church family, and you live near Raleigh, I would definitely encourage you to come to Treasuring Christ Church.  It is in downtown Raleigh.  Message me and I can give you more details.

During a time like this, some would be tempted to question God and be angry with God.  It is only by God's grace that I have had a peace through this whole situation.  I know that this is a part of God's plan and that he works all things for our good.  (Read Romans 8)  Savannah is in the arms of Jesus seeing great and wonderful things that we cannot even imagine.  I do long for Heaven, for Earth is not my home, but I want to glorify God in everything I do and tell others about the peace and love that only God can give.

Please continue to pray for us.  Pray that we will continue to trust God in his plan for our lives.  Pray that we will continue to have peace.  Pray that the gospel will continue to go out.

The First Post

I decided to start a blog.  I never thought I would have a blog but I thought it might be helpful during this time in my life.  I want this to be something that encourages you in your faith.  Writing is not my favorite thing to do and I'm not very good at it (music is more my cup of tea) but I think this will be good for me.